The Magick of being an Avatar Wytch

For the last few nights all of my family members who have passed away have been visiting me in my dreams. In quite a humorous way, it took me days to realize I'm only dreaming about dead people. One of the most unresolved and painful experiences I had as a little girl was the banishment and rejection from my father. I know that I am not even remotely unique in my daddy issues, but still i think the insight into fully giving and being fully received is relevant here.

I think when we are rejected by core people in our lives at a young age, there is no way to process the deep feelings of abandonment, trauma, and rejection. For me taking on this pain at an age too young pushes it into our shadow. At the core of our shadow are unmet needs that get played out over and over again in

dysfunctional patterns. For me this meant I was presented again and again with instances of rejection that just piggy backed on the initial trauma of my father's rejection. This meant that I would hold back part of me in all my relationships in order not to get hurt. At times it even meant I was mean spirited. This is how our core hurts turn into deeply unconscious shadow selves.

In my dream last night I could see myself on the outside looking in. I saw Dad with his little girls, and I knew that no matter how much I wanted to be a part of that scene, that it had already been written, I would remain the little girl with my face at the fishbowl. In my dream I tried everything to make up for past hurts, but nothing, nothing helped. My sisters never knew me because my Dad had woven a story of rejection that lived on. I stood silent as I felt the tears stream down my face in what appeared to be a moment of realized futility.
I woke up this morning after dreaming about my father with a pervasive sadness and melancholy that felt different. I realized that I was the carrier of my father's hate for my mother. That it was his pain that didn't allow him to fully receive me. I realized that his rejection had set the stage for my fear of rejection of my gifts I have to offer and thus a hesitancy to fully give. It was a guard I had to constantly keep up.

When I asked spirit what gift of soul she wanted to give me, I wasn't expecting 'sacrifice'. I saw myself nailed to a cross like an avatar. I know for many this would be seen as a deeply blasphemous heretical act. I knew as a witch if I conflated my image on a cross that it would create a visceral rejection from many who know me; but I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I could be an avatar for others - similar to a form of shamanic healing, but it would require my willingness to take on and feel the level of pain being sent to me.
After waking up from dreaming about my father, I heard myself saying, Dad, in my embodied state I take on all your hate and rejection. I am willing to feel it for you in my body because you are in a disembodied state. I am not only willing, but anxious and anticipatory to fully receive all of it...to stand in the fire as your avatar.

I know this sounds lofty and idealistic, but what it feels like to me is an expression of radical love and ecstatic surrender to take in the full hatred and resentment of my father without recompense. To breathe it in and feel the sting as a hot, sweet, connecting. This was not some act of fake humility or martyrdom. It was a willingness to burn to heal. As a wytch I am willing to be stand in the fire...to be fully present...fully transparent...in a radical love.

Aren't all witches like avatars if we are willing to take in all the perceived wrongs, evils, hatreds, and resentments of others rejecting our gifts? Then we are free to fully give outside of our compensatory containers. For me it is an ecstatic and radical act of love for the world we give our gifts to.

And so...on this blog, I set my intention to fully express my art without fear of rejection. I seek to find an audience that is ready to hear...ready to heal...ready to embrace with me a radical love of humanity in all its grace and ugliness. I do this as a wytch fully able to stand in the commons as witches have done throughout history. I stand as a healer in my art and writing I offer to the world.

So Mote it Be!